Wiling away a Thursday afternoon (despite the deadlines)

And finally, Rambling Hal in the mornings:

Why it's sometimes prudent to take a hike

It's still amazing to me that you people care when I decide to hibernate from the World Wide Platform of Airing My Embarrassing Laundry To The World At Large. Your comments, emails, facebook threats and endearments, text messages and even random phone calls did not go unnoticed. However, neither did they awaken in me any desire to appease the masses (all 7 of you) and come back to ranting about the most ridiculous things. I thought it would feel nice to be appreciated. And it does, it really does. But the thing is - I'm a very selfish blogger. I blog for me, all for me, it's all about me and sometimes I feel like it would be GREAT if no one would read any of this so I can rant to my heart's content, without fearing repercussions :D I blog for me and only for me anyway, so what's the point of pretending?

See what I mean about selfish??

Hhhmmmm...moving on......

There are many reasons that could lead someone into a state of hibernation from something as familiar as this blog once was. Perhaps you've suddenly found yourself presented with, believe it or not, A LIFE. One that actually happens out doors, among other living, breathing human beings. Or perhaps at work, you're now actually required to work. You know, the 'earn your pay cheque' kinda thing? I know - the horror of it all.

Or perhaps, your life's focus has entirely shifted, and there's so much going on in your head, so much you're thinking of and dreaming of and hoping for, that it might seem like a tiny bit of blasphemy to share it with anyone else out there. You hug it all to yourself like a fledgling secret and try to protect it from the cruelties of realism.

An example? Well, maybe you're spending all (ok fine, not ALL!) your online time researching jobs in the land of opportunity, writing cover letters, honing and polishing resumes, applying applying applying, praying praying praying that a phone interview results in just a little bit more, waiting for a new chapter in your life to start, aching for a challenge to give you purpose.

Or, most probably, you're just in your disgusted phase, hating on the world at large. Because whether it's half way across the world or right down the street, violence and mayhem and death and destruction rule our days, and we sit back and let them.

Did you know that last Friday, May 2, the Civil Defense Department in Jordan announced that it dealt with 1,057 accidents and rescue operations during the Labour Day weekend, which resulted in 16 deaths and 985 injuries?

I can't seem to get these numbers out of my head. In fact, I can't seem to get lots of different types of numbers out of my head. Numbers of death tolls. Of civilian casualties. Numbers that represent dates and anniversaries of occupation and slaughter. Numbers of refugees. Numbers of cubic metres of water left in an area of drought. Numbers of food parcels that have to be delivered so populations don't starve. Numbers numbers numbers. Numbers that make me a lot less fun to have around as a blogging buddy. Seriously, there is no fun to be had here, ya'll need to move on now :)

And here's a number.....4. The number of hours I have left to meet my deadlines before my boss starts discussing my fate with mafia hitmen. And so hence and therefore: Ciao.

Anger Management

To the asshole that stole my beloved BCBG sunglasses together with their gorgeous, patent leather, beautiful BCBG case....I hope you DIE.

No no. Death is too mild for you. No.

Instead, I hope you are walking down the street and you trip in a pothole. You sprain your ankle and end up sprawled face down on the asphalt. Suddenly, a snake slithers over to you and bites you on the neck, as you're lying there, stripped of any dignity. You're in so much pain, in so much agony, that you're unable to get out of the way of the Hummer headed straight towards you, and oooops! It just crushed your legs. Oh poor you.

I hope your death is slow and torturous, you thieving piece of scum.

There....I feel much better now.

Some Useful, Condescending Phrases...

...To use against those who annoy you...

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

You missed me didn't you. HA.

Apparently, some people seem to care when I disappear and decide I don't feel like blogging anymore. Which baffles me. I rarely have anything of substance to say. This just goes to show that you're all as bored as I am and are in need of some online entertainment. Oh well, I'm always ready to ramble, talk to myself, and run circles around the most mundane of subjects. Besides, it's a real slow day at work.

So what's been happening? Let's recap:

a) My buddy came to visit from Canada for a week. She loves Jordan more than anyone I have ever met, which I don't get. I went out every night for 7 nights in a row. EVERY NIGHT. I partied up such a storm, people would be fooled into believing I actually had a booming social life. I am now recovering by watching around four movies a day and sticking to online chatting. I like online chatting. It's safe.

b) Two buddies tied the knot. It was an awesome wedding. I wore my prom dress. I couldn't breath. But I wore it anyway. People need to stop getting married now, seriously. There are like 4 more weddings to attend this summer. I break out in a sweat thinking about it. Then those who got married just a little while ago are already pregnant. No one seems to listen when I tell them to WAIT FOR ME MOFOS.

c) I discovered the most amazing thing in the world, otherwise known as pilates, which can make you change a dress size in like A WEEK, and then subsequently had to give it up because I think I tore some sort of ab muscle. Either that, or I have a lump sticking out of the left side of my stomach. It's not fun. It's not painful, but certainly not fun. I refuse to die right now. I still haven't met Colin Farrell. I have things to do, places to go, people to see. This is extremely inconvenient.

d) For the first time in like five years, I survived March without quitting my job and trying something new. This is a big deal, people. I AM, however, applying for job posts in the Emirates because I am in need of a new adventure to give meaning to my life and to challenge me and to make me feel that I am not stuck in some perpetual routine. I am very dedicated in this pursuit of mine, even if it's just a temporary, one-year move. I just need something new, and I don't want to go to the other side of the world in North America where seeing my family is dependent on over-priced plane tickets and at least a couple of airlines each time. I want to be somewhere close, where I can come home every month for a weekend if I want to, where I can enjoy things like Ramadan and Eid, where I already have friends who will have coffee with me every day after work and help me pick out new curtains and take walks on the beach with me, where I can try out a new, glamorous career that might inspire me and make me enjoy working again. Here, I feel like I'm some kind of twilight zone where everyone is playing Stuck-in-the-Mud 24/7, except no one else is stuck but me. IT SUCKS. So therefore, I need to find a job in Dubai and surround myself with the new and unfamiliar and exciting. I'd love to discover a new city from A to Z. If not now, THEN WHEN!?

e) My dad's birthday came and went. I don't think he liked his presents. They are still sitting in their respective bags on the floor of his bedroom. It's been 4 days already. I really don't think he likes his presents, eh? Eft. Men are so picky.

f) This past Friday, we (as in my parents, my two brothers and I) headed on a Family Day Out to enjoy boring nature things like Spring and Greenery and the Country Side and the such. We were stuck in a car together for FOUR HOURS. Two of those hours spent listening to Jordanian jokes and riddles. I thought about opening the car door and throwing myself out, but I was wearing a new T-shirt that I kinda liked. I resorted to my iPod, but then I broke the headphones. We couldn't find anywhere to have lunch in Jerash, Ajloun or surrounding areas. Needless to say, tourism in Jordan sucks. We ended up in Fuddruckers for the first time ever. My father asked them to remove his plastic glass and get him an actual glass one. Then he asked them to turn off the music. Then ha grabbed the colouring book and colours from my little brother and proceeded to colour. Very well. Inside the lines. Right after he asked them for better colouring crayons because the ones he had were bad quality. They actually obliged. I am never going out in public with my father EVER AGAIN EVER DO YOU HEAR ME NEVER.

g) I ran into my crush again. He now definitely knows I exist. He does not, however, seem to want to celebrate the fact of my existence with me. And no, I did not jump him. I have, however, decided to put said crush to rest - as in totally out of my mind - and proceed to obsess over someone new. I have loads of candidates. Now I just have to pick and choose.

h) Ok, so maybe I don't have loads of candidates. It's ok, think positive. THINK POSITIVE.

i) I am seriously bored with my life.

j) My mother has always said to me, all my life, that the secret to happiness, the secret to a fulfilling life, to a good life, is contentment. To be content with what you have. To be satisfied. Ambition is admirable, of course. Dreaming is a must, for sure. But be content with your lot in life as well, and be thankful.

h) I am thankful, I AM I AM. But I can't seem to reach that sense of contentment. I'm always yearning for more, I always want SO MUCH MORE. Will that wanting ever be truly fulfilled? Truly put to rest?

k) I'm going to stop now before I go through the entire alphabet - something I have been known to do a couple of times ;)

It's a very work-appropriate dress, I swear. With a black blazer, people.

I wore a dress to work today, for a variety of different reasons, all of which revolve around boys and crushes (I might run into him in the street, you never know) and going out for lunch (I might run into him at the restaurant, you never know) and the such. The dress wearing has elicited a variety of different responses:

A)
Mother of Rambling Hal: Why are your legs covered in BRUISES?!?!?! Look at all the blue spots!
Rambling Hal to self: Must stop sleep walking into sharp corners of stupid wooden bed. Must stop falling out of said bed.

B)
Trusty Colleague S: Wooooohoooo - very low wolf whistle.
Rambling Hal freezes with expression of complete shock.
Trusty Colleague S: Well I'm sorry if that's totally inappropriate but you look very hot today. You have a date?
Rambling Hal continues to be frozen in complete shock and thinks to herself, OH CRAP, what's Drive Dude gonna do???

C)
Colleagues number 2, 3 and 4: What the hell? You look good dude. Do you have a date or something? Why do you look so good? Is that why you're leaving early today too? You have a date, don't you. You're going to hang off chandeliers again, aren't you.
Rambling Hal silently fuming to herself: WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE, do I usually look like CRAP or something that this is such a huge difference?

D)
Friend: Dude. You're wearing a dress.
Rambling Hal: I hate the world.

E)
Friend on phone: So I heard you're wearing a dress.
Rambling Ha:l You heard wrong. I'm on my way home to change, I can't deal with you mofos.

Conclusion: Regardless of what is in fashion this year, and the multitude of gorgeous summer dresses you will see adorning the shops' racks all over the WORLD, wearing an innocent dress in Jordan is never, NEVER a good idea.

Unless you're going to a wedding of course.

EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.

How are you treating your ears?

If I did not have the Play 99.6 website to run to every morning so I can listen to their live streaming and wiggle around in my chair when a good song comes on, and think about shoving the scissors on my desk into my chest cavity when the same ads are aired over, and over, and over again, I would have thrown myself off the top of this four-storey building a long time ago. Why the excessiveness, you ask? Well, here's the thing:

a) My iPod is always either missing in action, dead or dying. If I had to rely on the stupid iPod every day, there would be a lot of iPod banging onto Hala's desktop, several times a day. Think of the noise pollution.

b) If I had to actually sit here without music and listen to the minions around me living their daily lives and having their daily conversations, this early in the morning, when coffee has not yet kicked in, I would go on an apeshit rampage and empty an M16 into the lot of them. Seeing as I'm all peace-loving and crap. So basically, Play 99.6 prevents me from committing mass murder.

c) Play 99.6 is my favourite radio station in my 'darling' Jordania coz it's co-owned by a cutie I went to high school with, and I'm real loyal like that. Never mind that he doesn't exactly remember me from high school. Eft. So anyway, I show my loyalty by listening obsessively to their live Web streaming.

d) All of the above.

So if you, also, cannot sit at your desk without headphones in your ears, I suggest you fall back on Play 99.6 and try not to go insane from the repetitive ads. I mean, they have to make money SOMEHOW, no?

And no, this was not a paid advertisement, and no, this was not so the cutie owner would ask me out, and no, I'm not getting anything out of this.

Ok that's totally bull, I'm totally getting something out of this, shoot me, it's a hard world out there, you gotta do what you gotta do.

And finally, this weekend CANNOT come fast enough.

How to pick up an Arab chick

I am dedicated to providing you boys with pick up lines for your endless attempts to 'get some.' I'm just lookin' out for y'all.

So, the latest? How to pick up an Arabian beauty:

"Is your dad a terrorist? 'Cause you sure are DA BOMB!"

Let me know how it goes. ;)

I hate April Fool's Day

My father is evil.

He left to drop off my little brother at school pretty early this morning. I woke up and stumbled, half asleep, to my mother's bed, where we both proceeded to stare at the cieling and curse the fact that we have to get up soon and go to work.

A few minutes later, the phone rings and my half-asleep mother leans over to answer it. I can hear my father's loud voice screaming at her through the phone's receiver and I watch my mother's face drain of colour and listen to her telling him that it's not funny if this is his idea of a joke. Apparently, he was very serious. He kept telling her that she better not be joking with him either, did Hala go to work early today? Her car is not outside. Where is Hala WHERE IS HALA!?!?

"She's right her next to me, she just woke up, listen to me, SHE IS RIGHT HERE, do you want me to put her on the phone?"

THEN WHERE IS HER CAR, bellowed my father to my terrified mother.

I practically fell out of that bed and raced to the window, my heart lodged somewhere around my ankles, my breath coming in short gasps, my eyes welling with tears. My car my car, it can't be stolen, not my car. And my mother, with the phone grasped tightly to her ear, was right behind me.

There was no car on the street.

He had MOVED THE CAR. HIDDEN IT. And only confessed after I was so hysterical that a trip to the ER would have not been out of line.

Just wait. I am going to GET MY REVENGE. Just wait. I can't BELIEVE he did that to me. To the both of us. His guffaws of laughter could be heard echoing through the phone line, practically shaking the entire house. Serves my mother right for MARRYING HIM in the first place, but me? I AM GOING TO GET HIM BACK.

JUST WAIT.

I am going to start by coming back and telling you a story I promised I wouldn't reveal on this blog. The story of how my dad showed up a DAY EARLY to a dinner he was invited to. Not an hour early. No. AN ENTIRE DAY. Just this week!

This is war.

For the good of mankind

All members of the male species need to read this. Seriously.

I love lists

I have nothing better to do coz work sucks and I just got out of world's suckiest staff meeting ever and I'm mad at the world today, so I'm going with her idea:

1. How old will you be in five years?
23 again, obviously.

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
No one, I'm at work, does it even count? I spent at least two hours with Roobee yesterday, though. We went on an interesting expedition. I would say it was a successful one. That's all I'm allowed to say.

3. How tall are you?
Tall enough to be able to wear heels whenever I wanted. Tall enough to be able to peer over most fences. Tall enough to be able to keep my chin out of water in your average pool. Tall enough to intimidate short people and tall enough to still come across tall guys. Tall enough, ok?

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Receiving an incredible job offer from Dubai seeing as I've sent out my CV to maybe 50 people and applied to maybe 70 jobs. It'll be a job offer I simply can't refuse because it'll be all glamorous and make me all rich and stuff, so I can head out on the next adventure of my life and embrace a new challenge and shop at Ikea and adopt a puppy. Man it's all so much fun up in my head.

Ok never mind…

5. What’s the last movie you saw?
I can't remember. Like in the movie theatre? P.S. I Love You, I think. I am going to marry Gerald Butler. I can't breath properly when I think of him. So yes, he's mine. After I marry Colin Farrell and Clive Owens and Daniel Craig. Yes I have a thing for guys with accents.

6. Who was the last person you called?
I don't really call people much. Last call I dialled was probably a missed call to a friend I was picking up, or something like that. I usually only call people when I have to scream at them about something. I like expressing my hate loudly.

7. Who was the last person to call you?
An annoying guy also known as Dude from Eight, who bores me and who just seriously doesn't get it. I didn't pick up. I never pick up. He still doesn't get it.

8. What was the last text message you received?
"Pilates at 7, pls confirm." I confirmed. I'll be there. And hopefully, this time, I won't eat ice cream right after pilates class. Eft.

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
Voicemail? I don't think we have that in Jordan. It's a third world country.

10. Do you prefer to call or text?
Text. I send great texts, I really do. I'm funnier through the written word.

11. What were you doing at 1AM last night?
Discussing the properties of the Porsche 911T and the Lamborghini Countach with a new friend and learning about spoilers.

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Married. And enjoying it. He's only forgotten their anniversary like twice or three times, and she's only threatened to trade him in for a better model like maybe twice or three times. It's going well.

13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
This morning, when I left the house and she asked me to pay the bill at reception as I'm checking out of the 'hotel.' She's quite sarcastic, my mother. A riot.

14. What color are your eyes?
What is with people asking about the colour of my eyes lately? Brown. Plain brown. I'm a Plain Jane. My eyes are boring. Move on.

15. What time did you wake up today?
First time, 6:15. I thought it was 8:15. I fell out of bed and screamed bloody murder coz I'm supposed to be at work by 8:30 at the latest. Turns out it was 6:15. So I went back to sleep. Woke up again at 7:15. Pressed snooze button. When back to sleep. Woke up at 7:45. Was late. Typical.

16. What are you wearing right now?
Oooooo, kinky. Grey jeans, grey suede booties, a black and grey short sleeve sweater with a yellow stripe going through it, and silver jewellery. Anything else I should be describing?

17. What is your favourite Christmas song?
I am unable to pick just one thing when I am asked my favourite anything. This stems from my inability to make a decision. And so I must say, Santa Baby, Where Are You Christmas, All I Want For Christmas Is You, Feliz Navidad, Rocking Around the Christmas Tree, Jingle Bell Rock…ok you know what, I can go on for forever, I like Christmas music, the list is endless.

18. Where is your favourite place to be?
Asleep in my bed. Or under a hot sun. Or snorkelling in infested waters. Or in a fast fast car. Or on Fifth Avenue, Manhattan. Or in Café Nord slurping creamy tomato soup in Copenhagen. Or checking out furniture and home accessories with my ma. I can go on for a while you know.

19. Where is your least favourite place to be?
At WORK, EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT. Or in the dentist's chair. Or in our salon at home when we have annoying guests and I have to be a good daughter.

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
Right now this minute Dubai Dubai Dubai. But I've never been to London despite my crazy travelling thus far. And I really really want to go to South Africa. Like really. And I have an addiction called New York San Francisco Toronto Paris. Those would be good too.

21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years?
In my walk-in custom-built shoe closet, counting my shoes, surrounded by my designer dresses.

22. Do you tan or burn?
Tan. Actually, you know what? I blacken. I char.

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Creepy crawlies. And Jack Nicholson the Joker from the first Batman movie. Man, Jack Nicholson has featured in a lot of my nightmares.

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
Rolling in the grass in a BBQ I went to this past Friday, then picking the grass out of my hair. At the time, it was totally hilarious!

25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Four. Don't ask, seriously.

26. How big is your bed?
Queen-sized. Some of these questions are crap man.

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
A MAC! I have a gorgeous white Mac laptop. We have a love-hate relationship.

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Seriously, this is ridiculous.

29. What colour are your sheets?
White. To better show off the mascara stains.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Four. Plus two small decorative ones. Plus…actually, never mind.

31. What is your favourite season?
Spring, summer, autumn and winter. They all have different fashion requirements. Works for me.

32. What do you like about Fall?
Piles and piles of crunchy leaves I can roll around in. Except I haven't done that since I was in college. So I'll have to say, Halloween.

33. What do you like about Winter?
Boots. Trench coats with fitted belts. Gloves. Cups of tea. Hot water bottles. Umbrellas. Cashmere.

34. What do you like about the Summer?
Halter tops. Summer dresses. Sandals. Ice cream. Open car windows and blasting music. BBQs. Long days. Flip flops. Swimming.

35. What do you like about Spring?
Spring is evil and makes me sneeze and I am petitioning to have it removed.

36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
One. Ontario. Ain't never lived in the States. Don't worry though – I plan to remedy that.

37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Kuwait. Limassol in Cyprus. Damascus. Amman. Waterloo, Ontario. London, Ontario. Mmmmm, what else? Oh yeah, Copenhagen, Denmark. Does a few months in Lebanon count? Yeah yeah, it counts. And soon, SOON, I will add Dubai, Toronto, New York and San Francisco to the list, JUST WAIT I AM GONNA DO IT.

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Stilettos.

39. Are you a social person?
Does the sun rise in the east? I can probably get along with a serial killer if I had to.

40. What was the last thing you ate?
Ice cream. Last night. I am very dedicated to my ice cream.

41. What is your favourite restaurant?
In which country? In which city? Why does this stupid questionnaire not get that I CAN'T PICK FAVOURITES?!?! Let's see…I really like a certain hot dog stand on a certain street corner somewhere, does that work? In Amman, I really like Living Room and Centro and Tannourin. Oh yeah, and Galler of course, wow, almost forgot! My father woulda killed me!

42. What is your favourite ice cream?
Everything but banana. HATE HATE BANANAS. I don't like vanilla ice cream much, either. I really, REALLY like popsicles.

43. What is your favourite dessert?
Ice cream. Seriously, who hasn't figured that out yet?

44. What is your favourite kind of soup?
Tomato soup. French onion soup. Vegetable soup. Chicken corn soup. Soup is good. All soup. I am hungry.

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Well, seeing as I have PB & J sandwiches like once a year, this question is really irrelevant. But I'd have to say, blueberry. I think. Ok so maybe I just picked a berry out of thin air, whatever.

46. Do you like Chinese food?
YES. I'm seriously hungry now dammit.

47. Do you like coffee?
Again, does the sun rise in the east? Do sheep munch on grass? Do cannibals feed on human flesh? Do fish swim in water?

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
On average, every time I get thirsty. WHO THE HELL CARES?!?!?!

49. What do you drink in the morning?
Coffee dammit what the hell else. Preferably Nescafe, black, with nothing but hot scalding water. Or Turkish coffee, also black, and only if someone else is making it for me.

50. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
I have issues with this question.

51. Do you know how to play poker?
I learned once. I have since forgotten. I can skip rope though! Does that count? Also, I can play the piano while blindfolded.

52. Do you like to cuddle?
Do I sound like I have one loving bone in my body? Of course not. I like to wrestle.

53. Have you ever been to Canada?
Ahooooooooooooo, stupid questions, what the hell. Yes I have, WHEN I LIVED THERE SEEING AS I'M CANADIAN, EFFFFFT.

54. Do you have an addictive personality?
That would be like asking, DOES THE SUN RISE IN THE EAST!? However, I balance it out quite nicely by getting bored very quickly and by having a very short and temporary attention span.

55. Do you eat out or at home more often?
Home. Except, unfortunately, we do not manufacture ice cream yet at home. I'm discussing this with my ma, I will report back once she gets back to me.

56. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Yes. My best friend's ex. Sorry dudette, he's the first one that occurred to me.

57. Do you want kids?
This depends. Do they have to come out of me? And are they cute? And do they excrete? And will I have to feed them milk (hate) and bananas (hate hate)?

58. Do you speak any other languages?
Yup. Other than Arabic and English, I can get by in French, I know a smattering of Spanish, and I can swear at you and say hello to you in at least 7 other languages.

59. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Yes. From surgeries though, not from my inherent clumsiness or penchant to hurt myself. Which, you must admit, is quite surprising. Hey, I haven't even broken anything either! Now watch me jinx myself…

60. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Nope. This is not an episode of ER for pete's sake. Hhhmmmm…..who's pete, I wonder?

61. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Ocean, especially if the pool is too cold and has bugs in it and some left over urine.

62. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
Window. I'm afraid of heights but that seems to evaporate when I'm in an airplane, so a window seat is not a problem.

63. Do you know how to drive stick?
Once upon a time, I did. Now, I'm not so sure.

64. What is your favourite thing to spend money on?
Shoes. Clothes. Books. Travelling. Ice cream. Leather goods in the form of gorgeous Guess bags. Family. Earrings. Pirated DVDs. Apple juice. Look, I love to spend money, it doesn't matter on what, on who, nothing. Just let me spend.

65. Do you wear any jewellery?
Yup. WHO WHO WHO THINKS UP THESE POINTLESS QUESTIONS?!?!

66. What is your favourite TV show?
Anything on BBC food. I love imagining I can cook like them!

67. Can you roll your tongue?
Huh? What?

68. Who is the funniest person you know?
Other than me? Hhhmmmm…..I'd have to say, Eugene Levy.

69. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Ahooooooooooooooooooo.
(Winston and Farrell. And that's all I'm going to say about that.)

70. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
My phone doesn't ring. I ruined that function in the phone. I really really need a new phone dammit. Tim, I promise I'm working on that.

71. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
Yup. Not just my ballerina clothes either.

72. What red object is closest to you right now?
My red notebook that I use for work.

73. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
Yes, I am environmentally conscious, I AM I AM. I'm the type that takes a walk around her room as she brushes her teeth. I am not sure why, though.

74. Do you sleep with your closet door open or closed?
Closed, of course. Like I don't have enough nightmares.

75. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
It depends. Are the bees going to sting me? Is the bear hungry? And also, are the bees aware of how many of them I've killed lately? It seriously depends.

76. Do you flirt a lot?
Will my mother be reading this list? If she will, then no, of course not, I never flirt. If she has better things to do, then I am the world's biggest flirt, and I have no problems admitting it. Where else am I supposed to get my fun, I ask you?

77. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
I don't like chicken nuggets that much. I can live without them. I prefer ice cream.

78. What is your favourite food?
Ice cream. Coffee. My best friend's mother's lettuce and mushroom salad with that dressing thing she has going on, YUMMY. I am so hungry. Mmmmm, what else? Fasooliyeh, the way my mom makes it. Kani Sarada salad. Popcorn. Vietnamese and Thai food. My mom's roast chicken. My grandma's breakfasts, which is the only time breakfast is ever fun. Nuts. Noodles. Most Syrian dishes. I can go on for a while, but if I do, I might die of intense hunger, so excuse me now.

79. Can you change the oil on a car?
Huh? No, of course not. I can parallel park really well though.

80. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Nope, never. I flutter my eyelashes out of speeding tickets. I weep and cajole and beg and flirt and threaten suicide. It works, sue me.

81. Have you ever run out of gas?
Not when it was me who was behind the steering wheel, no. I mean, I know I'm stupid sometimes, but I'm not that stupid.

82. What is your usual bedtime?
When I get sleepy. Like seriously, the person who wrote these questions should be forced to eat rotten fish. Eft.

83. What was the last book you read?
Helen of Troy, by Margaret George and The Appeal, by John Grisham, simultaneously.

84. Do you read the newspaper?
Yes, several of them actually, but only online, unless I'm in an airplane.

85. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Nope. Eft. Someone has to rewrite these stupid questions, I've just about had it.

86. Do you watch soap operas?
What? Of course not, I'd seriously prefer to get run over.

87. Do you dance in the car?
Yes. I dance every where. I have no shame.

88. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
I don't do picture frames and pictures. I have none around me if I can help it. I see almost everyone I love on a daily basis, what do I need to stare at their mug shots in a frame for?

89. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
"9. Kick Mr. T's ass" and "10. Monopoly with ice cream" on a tiny post-it.

90. What is your favourite candle scent?
Vanilla.

91. What is your favourite board game?
Scrabble, but only if I'm playing with my other selves. That way, at least I know I'll be winning, regardless of what happens.

92. When was the last time you attended church?
When I went to a wedding ceremony. Why else would I attend church? Unless I'm a tourist and it's the Notre Dame?

93. Who was your favourite teacher in high school?
Miss Diane from English Literature O-level class. Dude, that woman was so crazy, that all I wanted to be in life, was crazy. Just like her.

94. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
Me? In a tent? HAHAHHAHAHAHA. You honestly think I've ever camped? Again, HAHAHHAHAHAHAA! Yeah ok, moving on.

95. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
Mr T, who reworked my CV all of his own accord, which was so unexpectedly nice that I got goose bumps (not goose pimples. The word is GOOSE BUMPS). And yes, the same Mr T whose ass I will be kicking in number 89 above.

Why the hell does this list end at number 95? What a stupid number to stop at. Forget it – I am going to make this list into an even 100. I am going to make up 5 more questions. Ok. So. Ready, set, GO.

96. Would you rather be blind or deaf?
The jury is still out on that one, but I think I'd rather be blind. No, no, deaf. No, blind. Wait, no….Yeah, like I said, jury is still out.

97. Do you fear clowns?
HELL YEAH! I think clown are scary mofos and I don't want to come across one on a dark deserted highway, I am telling you. I don't understand how they allow clowns to be around children.

98. Do you believe in aliens?
Nope, not even remotely. I do, however, believe in ET. I love ET.

99. When was the last time you did something nice and selfless for someone else?
I bought my family ice cream yesterday so I wouldn't end up eating ice cream on my own. Does that count? Ok no, it doesn’t count. Wait let me think.

Did I mention I'm not a very nice person?

100. How many times did you type out the words 'ice cream' in this post?
I will count, and get back to you on that one.

If you read this whole thing, then you're either a) more bored than I am, b) devoid of a life or c) think I'm really cool. If c is not your answer, I don't want to hear about it.

Now that I have a Mac, I'm not so sure about this...

I mean, who wants a car that's THAT cheerful all the time. You want your car to have a little attitude. Be a little temperamental. A little sexy. With a little personality. No?

Just don't tell my Mac I said that.

I am about to commit premeditated murder

I am going to kill the driver at work.

To understand, you have to read this, specifically the part about DRIVER DUDE.

It's official. I'm going to kill him. I'm not kidding this time. No Miss Nice Hal anymore. THIS IS IT. I am registering for a gun license as we speak. He is mince meat. I AM GOING TO OBLITERATE HIM FROM THE FACE OF THIS PLANET OH MY GOD I AM LOSING IT.

I have my limits. I am about to explode.

This morning, I stumble into the little kitchenette at work, rub my eyes and get to work on making my coffee. He follows me in.

ASSHOLE DRIVER DUDE: Good morning Miss Hala!
Pissed off Rambling Hal: Good morning. (Die asshole die).
ASSHOLE DRIVER DUDE: You look sleepy, are you a bit tired? Although of course you are as mnawra as ever! You look lovely! Just tired a bit. Why don't you go sit down and I'll make you your coffee.
Pissed off Rambling Hal: I CAN MAKE MY OWN COFFEE THANK YOU EXCUSE ME mumkin tba3edli shwai? (I HOPE YOU DRIVE OVER A CLIFF AND PLUMMET TO YOUR DEATH YOU GOD DAMN **** FACE PIECE OF ****.)
ASSHOLE DRIVER DUDE: Tab3an tab3an etfadali sitti etfadali.
Rambling Hal runs to desk and bangs head against desktop then searches for sharpened pencils to use as temporary weapons of MASS destruction against ALL DRIVER DUDES.

I calm down and distract myself. I tell myself, it's ok, JUST CONTINUE IGNORING HIM, don't let him get to you, it's ok.

Then....

A few minutes ago....

(Ok breathe Hala breathe, calm down, BREATHE, don't break anything, you can't afford to break another pencil. I AM RUNNING OUT OF PENCILS.)

Right, so a few minutes ago....

I look up, and as usual, ASSHOLE DRIVER DUDE is sitting there on the other side of the glass partition pretending to read the newspaper as he continues his daily vigilance of STARING AT ME OH MY GOD THIS IS SO CREEPY. It's the usual story: whenever I look up, and if he's there waiting for a driving assignment, he is always hold a newspaper and peeking at me from over the top of it. And then he grins. And I scowl. And he grins some more. I am seriously going to have an aneurysm just thinking about this dear GOD I want to walk into his brain and poke holes all over it with the sharpest stilettos ever created then pour ACID down all the holes.

So I get up and make the decision that that's it, it's time to face the music and BRING THIS DUDE DOWN. I stomp over to him. He quickly puts his newspaper aside and grins at me expectantly. Man, I want to punch that damn grin of his off his ASSHOLE FACE.

Rambling Hal, gathering up courage: Driver Dude....
ASSHOLE DRIVER DUDE: Ahlan sitna ahlan, kheir inshallah?
Rambling Hal, sputtering....: Eft. Wala shee. Kan biddi the other driver dude, khalas 3afwan. EFT.
ASSHOLE DRIVER DUDE: Ana ma ba2dar akhdomek? Khaleeni asa3dek!!
Rambling Hal: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NEVER MIND LEAVE ME ALONE AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH. But in my head of course :(

THIS SUCKS. I need to beat him up but I haven't figured out how yet. So I figured, best thing to do would PUT A BULLET IN HIS GRIN, I'm gonna do it, just wait, I AM GOING TO MAKE HIM EXTINCT.

Wait for it. Any day now, newspaper headlines will scream out at you that RAMBLING HAL HAS COLD-BLOODEDLY MURDERED DRIVER DUDE. Just wait. JUST WAIT.

Wee Wee Fever

Ok so this situation at home with what has been christened 'the wee-wee' is seriously beginning to worry me/piss me off/get on my nerves/pick one.

I go to sleep, and an adult member of this family is frozen in front of the television, hanging out with Super Mario via the Wii console.

I wake up, and another adult, usually a parent, is again plastered in front of the TV, playing tennis or something equally inappropriate for 7am in the morning, via the damn Wii console.

This family of mine is freaking me out.

I want things back to normal. I want my father to stick to his mafia and Godfather movies and ignore everything else going on around him as he pretends to be a part of the Mafioso. I want my mom to bury her head in a book or newspaper and fall asleep in front of the TV as per usual after demanding a cup of coffee to help her sleep, because apparently, she is immune to caffeine. I want my one brother to lock himself in his room and snore all day or whatever it is that he does in there, and I want my other brother to stick to his homework and to sing 'Smack Dat' whenever the fancy strikes.

All of this family bonding over the damn Wii console just inches from my bedroom is DRIVING ME NUTS.

I'm adopted. I AM CONVINCED THAT I AM ADOPTED.

A Sunday Morning State of Mind

"I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine."

- Fritz Perls

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful."

- Mae West

"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."

- Someone, I forget who.

Hal's To Do List for a 31 degress Celsuis Sunday:

1. Ignore people when they ask where my tan is from. None of your business you loser colleagues of mine.
2. Kill Osman - the idiot creator behind the Osman fi Ramadan radio series, which I was so brutally introduced to last night, in the world's most pathetic excuse for a quiz night ever (hear that IAA - Jordan Chapter? YOU PEOPLE SUCK. And your Master of Ceremonies should have his FINGER NAILS AND TOE NAILS PULLED. Stupid idiot who wouldn't shut up.)
3. Find medication for out-of-control temper. Stop snapping at random strangers who piss me off. Stop getting so pissed off. I am aging over here.
4. Get new nose - one which doesn't sneeze. This nose I have SUCKS.
5. Seduce someone. I am bored. I have nothing else to do.
6. Stop dancing at work.

To be continued.....

.....

Continuation:

1. Don't spill anything on my white pants.
2. Stop eating chocolate.
3. Stop thinking about the ice cream in the freezer at home.
4. Stop thinking about the JD670 dress at BCBG. Stop thinking about robbing banks.
5. Stop twirling hair.
6. Stop wasting time on MSN.
7. Stop thinking about spending the day at the pool instead of behind THIS STUPID DESK AT THIS STUPID JOB AAAAAAHHHHHHHH.
   
8. Stop adding shit to this list.
   

What does your Facebook photo say about YOU!?

Example	Photo Type	What they want you to think	The Truth
	Blurry	Artistic	Has acne, possibly moustache if female
	Anime	Eccentric, possibly Japanese	Computer programmer
	Holding some sort of alcoholic beverage	Fun, laid back	There has never been a photograph taken of them where they weren't holding an alcoholic beverage
	Very closely cropped	Enigmatic	Fat
	Dude jamming on guitar	He's in a popular band and rocks out all the time	Unemployed
	Close-up of breasts, usually in bustier	Sexy and naughty	Fat
	Face at strange, usually downward, angle	Eccentric, possibly supermodel	Unattractive; this is the only good picture of them ever taken
	Dark, brooding	Doesn't care	Dangerous, possibly a pirate
	Cartoon character such as Bugs Bunny or Tweety Bird	Cute, playful	Immature, probably fat
	Guy with beard sitting on couch	Sits on the couch a lot, has a beard	Sits on the couch a lot, has a beard

(H/T)

Close Call

I've changed my mind.

I no longer want to be Amy Winehouse for Halloween this year.


Apparently, she has some sort of skin disease. So ok, I get scary-ass zits every now and then, but it ain't never that bad mofos, absolutely never. Forget this. I am moving on to Plan B. I'm gonna be a VAMPIRE. MOHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAA.

Does anyone else think about Halloween in March or am I the only one who is BORED OUT OF HER MIND this month?!?

I'm right where I belong

A strange noise woke me this morning, before the irritatingly obtrusive alarm did. The noise was like something out of a science fiction movie...a strange, high, electronic pinging. It was barely seven o'clock, and each ping, ping, ping was like someone poking me out of bed. I had to investigate.

I stumbled out of my room and saw them. I had to rub my eyes a few times to double check, and I made my right foot step on my left foot so I could be extra sure I wasn't sleep walking, but it was just as I'd feared.

My parents were playing tennis on the Wii with my little brother at 7:00am.

And my mom calls it a Wee-Wee.

It's official. I am living in a loony bin.

Post Meeting Observations

Understatement of the day:

It is very strange for me to work in a place where we discuss the inner workings of terrorist organizations so openly, and brainstorm ways of protecting ourselves and the information that we upload onto our website, in order to make it difficult for bored terrorists to access our location or the locations of other people we work with. Because apparently, there are many terrorists out there that would probably enjoy blowing us up. As in, blowing RAMBLING HAL up.

This is surreal.

How did my life come to this? Wleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Quote of the Day for yesterday in particular

"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over."

Edna St. Vincent Millay
(1892-1950)

Wallowing

Today, it's my stupid, zift emkharee birthday.

I am turning 23 again.

I have been turning 23 for many many years now. It's great. There's nothing like turning 23. What a beautiful number that is. Say it. Twen-ty-three. Lovely syllables. Beautiful words. Don't you think? Great, great number.

Now that I am finally 23 (++++), i.e. an adult, I have come to quite a few realizations:

• It doesn't matter how old you get, you will always have a monster zit on your birthday in a part of your face that never ever got zits before.
• It doesn't matter how old you get, you will always continue to fall in the shower and fall down the stairs and trip on your own two feet, if that is already pre-programmed in your genetic make-up. In fact, the older you get, the more you will realize that one, day, on you 50th 23rd birthday, you will be needing hip replacement surgery.
  
• It doesn't matter how old you get, you will always believe that you deserve an obnoxious amount of never-ending gifts, all while expecting people to ignore your birthday and leave you in peace. Ya3ni basically, translation: Just give me the gifts and get out of my face already.

I must point out, however, that it's only 9:30am and already I am sick of today. I KNEW I should have just slept through it and woken up tomorrow morning instead of this morning, I KNEW it. Stupid phone won't stop ringing. Stupid facebook won't stop sending me e-mails informing me of more wall posts and more messages. People seem to have an inherent need to continuously remind me that today is my TWENTY THIRD (did you get that part? DID YOU???) birthday. It's as if I called the world yesterday and asked it to please remind me that the day of my birth hath come.

I was in Syria this past weekend, where I proceeded to buy myself presents like I'm friggin' Santa Claus. No girl on the planet has bought herself more presents to cheer herself up about another year down the drain than I have. All my different personalities bought presents for one another. It was great. We had a blast up in my head. Best party ever.

Eft. I hate March.

My mother likes sending me forwards

On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States, Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, 'How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?'

'That's easy,' the Queen replied, 'You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors.'

'But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?' asked Bill.

You ask them a riddle,' she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, 'Would you please send Tony Blair in?' When Blair arrived, the Queen said, 'I have a riddle for you to
answer for me.'

'Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?'

Blair replied, 'That's easy. The child was me.'

'Very good,' said the Queen. 'You may go now.'

Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary.

He said to her, 'I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child?'

Hillary replied, 'Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?'

'Yes,' said Bill, 'I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer.'

So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President.

As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her most formable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama.

So she said, 'Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?'

'That's seems pretty easy,' said Obama, 'I think the child would be me.'

'Oh thank you,' said Hillary. 'You may just have ensured my nomination for the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !' So Hillary went back to Bill and said, 'I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Barack Obama!'

'No, you Dumb Shit!' shouted Bill. 'The child was Tony Blair.'

As in like, wtf?

Let me get this straight.

In the past week, and on this blog, I have been asked out, offered a gift and proposed marriage to, all by random strangers.

And in my real, offline life, the most interest I've been shown is by a mosquito that bit me around three days ago.

There is something a little off here, no? Fee shee ghalat, no?

Hhhmmmm.

Yup. There is definitely something very wrong with this picture.

Obsessions

I've been out of the social circle lately. I don't answer my phone, I don't answer my messages, I hide from people and I change into my pyjamas as soon as I get home from work, to make sure no one would dare bother me and suggest something preposterous, like me leaving the sanctuary of a book I have buried myself alive in, just to rejoin the human race. The human race is over rated. I am so over the human race.

I've managed to miss out on an entire night of sleep a couple nights ago, staying up until 5:30 in the morning to finish the first installment of my gorgeous book (which, incidentally, I had started at around 11 that night. Can you finish a 570 page book in 6.5 hours? Yeah, I didn't think so. And no, we're not going to talk about the migraine that followed that stupid, stupid night of reading). I'm now on part two, and I am terrified of finishing the book, because I can't seem to find part 3 anymore.

In fact, I'm so paranoid, that I won't even share the name of the book, in case someone goes out and buys part 3 before I've had the chance to hunt all over town for it. I will develop a hernia and then proceed to have a cow if I am finished with part 2 and don't have part 3 anywhere in the near vicinity. I kid you not. I feel very strongly about this.

So for now, I'm going to continue dwelling in the land of vampires (because, you see, I'm reading about vampires), and I'm going to continue to hide the book I'm reading in my desk's drawer at work, and sneak a glance at a page every now and then, when no one's looking. I've managed to read an entire chapter and a half like that today. HA.

How's your pronunciation?

I came across this awesome blog post yesterday, which has gotten me thinking about my own relationship with the English language. When I was younger, a huge chunk of my vocabulary came from my incessant reading - I never actually heard the words spoken out loud. So for years, I pronounced things in my own way, thinking I had it all down perfectly. Except I moved to Canada and watched my roommates laugh their asses off at me every time I said 'oregano' or 'range' or 'sew' - words I would pronounce in my own, Hala-way. Very incorrectly.

Which is why I find the below, stolen from Interesting Observations, fascinating: